Saturday, February 27, 2010

ME for Lieutenant Governor of Illinois!

Illinois state politics is messed up. I mean, REALLY messed up. Seven of our 40 governors have been indicted. Our last one (Rod Blagojevich) is currently awaiting trial on corruption charges, and the one before that (George Ryan) is in jail. And, considering that Blago is a Democrat and Ryan a Republican, corruption isn't partisan around here.

The latest tragicomedy in Illinois politics came last month when a pawnbroker won the Democratic nomination for lieutenant governor and shortly thereafter we learned that he had previously used steroids and beaten his prostitute ex-girlfriend. Oops. Well, the Dems convinced the Mark McGwire wanna-be to step down. But how are they going to find a replacement? Well, they're soliciting applications online. Seriously.

Now all this got me thinking... Maybe it's time to send a homebrewer down to Springfield to clean up this mess! I've never considered myself a Democrat (I guess I'd classify myself as an independent libertarian) but I'm not above whoring myself for political gain. I was born and raised in Chicago, after all. It turns out the application is only five questions long, so without further ado I present my application to be the Democratic nominee for lieutenant governor of Illinois...

1. Why are you a Democrat?

Well, to be honest, I wasn't before just now. However, the Republicans already have a nominee and
Lyndon LaRouche won't return my calls, so I guess I'm a Democrat now. Free everything for everybody!

2. Have you previously held elected office? If so, which one(s)?

I have been legal affairs officer of
Homebrewer's Pride of the Southside since 2004. During my tenure, we have run a surplus budget and never been sued or indicted. Can the State of Illinois say the same thing? I was also elected president of the St. John Youth Forum (Darien, IL) from 1995-97, where I successfully avoided excommunication.

3. What do you believe are the greatest challenges facing the State of Illinois and areas of greatest opportunity?

Greatest challenges? Well,
we're broke. I'm talking California broke. That's gonna be a pain in the ass to fix. Also, we're really, really, really corrupt. (May be a connection there... I'm not sure.) Honestly, if you think the lieutenant governor is going to fix all that you're even more gullible than Illinois voters. However, until we can be annexed by Wisconsin I think we're going to have to deal with all this somehow.

Greatest opportunities? We've got some kick-ass breweries here in Illinois. Several have opened (or are about to) over the last two years. However, if we do away with the current three-tier distribution system and liberalize our business laws, we could rival California, Colorado and Michigan when it comes to brewing meccas. From there, turning around the rest of our economy will be a piece of cake!

4. What strengths would you bring to the ticket?

Well, I guess German beer is my specialty, but I like to dabble in all styles. As
President Obama has shown, people like to talk over a nice, cold beer. You think people are going to come out to a fundraiser to drink some downstate Chardonnay? Hell no! Democratic fundraisers are going to become the toast of the town when you've got six different homebrews/craft beers to choose from at each event. Plus the homebrewing/beer geek community includes people of every political persuasion... when given the choice between two bozos, they'll vote for the bozo who brews!

5. Please list any organizations or elected officials that have endorsed your candidacy for lieutenant governor.

Well, I haven't been endorsed by any elected officials, but isn't that a good thing? As for organizations, I just decided to run this morning so I haven't really had a chance to talk to anybody else yet. However, I invite homebrew clubs, beer appreciation clubs, and brewer's guilds to offer their support for my candidacy at my campaign homepage, Together we may not change Illinois, but we'll get it really, really drunk. Thank you, and God Bless America.

So there you go. I think the good people of Illinois are ready for a homebrewer in the Lieutenant Governor's Mansion*, don't you?

* I'm not sure there's actually a Lieutenant Governor's Mansion, but a fellow can dream, right?


Blogger Steph said...

Illinois could do worse!

Do you have a dead person's name for me to use so that I can vote for you?

11:26 AM, March 01, 2010  
Blogger Russ said...

I'd like to set something straight here. The whole idea of voting with dead people's names in Chicago is a myth... In reality, they'll take any name you make up, so there's no need to waste your time digging up the name of a recently-deceased voter.

11:34 AM, March 01, 2010  

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